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I guess being sixty-two years old has not enabled me to understand human nature. Try as I might, when people get angry with me I have a hard time handling it. Especially if they don’t work it out or enable me to do something about it. I wish with all my heart that it didn’t bother me so much! How does one just shrug off the odd person who hates you or is angry with you? I surely don’t know. This is not a blog insisting on my innocence by any means. It is a cry to understand what sets people in enmity with one another (with me) and what can I do about it?
I have spent my whole life knowing that people get mad at simple things, things you don’t think about. I have spent my life in terror of offending people. I have spent my life battling paranoia, hysteria and the sad conclusion that no matter how much someone loves you, you are going to hurt and get hurt. I guess the only saving grace is Jesus Christ. Even with His grace I find I am a sad case.
This year, because I run most of the farm by myself, I have had little time to just call or get together with people. Truly, I the only spare moments I have are flopping on the chair staving off a coma. Trying to farm and live off the land is more than a full time business. Caring for upwards of 100 animals pulls me in all directions. And the funny part is that I got the farm to ride and keep my horse! Thankfully, I am back doing that after two years of infirmity. Oh, I didn’t mention the fact that I had a hip replacement and knee surgery. I have the greatest respect for farmers! When it doesn’t rain – lookout! When the harvest comes in on top of everything else you go banana’s. When an animal is sick and you do everything you know and it dies anyway – you think, why am I doing this?
Why do I care about what anyone thinks of me? Why do I care about why some folks are angry at me? Why do I care whether anyone gives me a break? There are many times I just try to give people latitude b/c I know their situation. But when I don’t behave – I am sent to the devil!
This has been a very difficult summer for me. It has been an impossible year. Yet God wants us to love everyone – to give ourselves to all. I guess I don’t know how to do that without losing my mind. It is a comfort that no one will ever read this! I find my only constant prayer is “Jesus help me!”